Nobody is the boss and nobody is in charge. Together we make the meeting happen by sharing. We are all just helping each other build a helping community.
Each group begins with volunteers reading relational agreements out loud for the group. Everybody is welcome to try to volunteer. We want there to be a culture of sharing. A volunteer opens the meeting by screensharing the agreements at www.helpexists.org/agreements and either begins reading, or asks for volunteers to read. Volunteers take turns opening and closing meetings and helping everybody to make sure that everybody who needs to share has a chance to share before the meeting ends. After everyone has had a chance to share, the group shifts to open discussion until a volunteer helps the group close by reading the check-out prompts 15 minutes before the end of group. It’s okay for volunteers to lack confidence, and it’s okay to do accidents, and it’s okay to try again another time. If you offer to volunteer and become too disabled, you can pass at any moment by asking for a new volunteer.
Relational Agreements for Extreme Experiences
Intention of kindness.
Our primary action together is acknowledging reality with the intention of kindness. Our relational agreements are made to protect disabled people, and function as kind guardrails that enable us to benefit from each other's company without being harmed by the harms of each other’s experiences. When any of us become disabled from remembering or practicing our relational agreements, each one of us may kindly request an agreement be reread. This is one way that we practice kindness together.
Peer faciliation.
Our groups are run by peers. Nobody is the boss, and nobody is in charge. Together, we make the meeting happen by sharing. We all create the group, and the group is the container. This way, no one individual is responsible for making it run. We agree to regard each other as equals who each may become disabled at any time. We all do our best to remember that we are all just fellow survivors.
Disability rights.
We agree to practice boundaries that allow everybody to be disabled. Disability rights protect people from being forced out to demonstrate their disabilities because that injures people; violates their privacy; and puts them in danger. Our format helps disabled people to build community, learn about our rights, and help each other get free.
Privacy rights.
We agree to not reveal the identities of people inside of the group with people outside of the group. During group agree to not reference other group members during our share, unless we are giving requested feedback, and we do not share memories, dreams, or inside experiences that we have about others in the group.
Protection from forced perpetration and holding innocence.
We agree to no active perpetration in our group. Active perpetration would take our group apart and benefit nobody. At the same time, we do not make divisions between perpetrators and victims in our groups, because many of us were born into conditions of being forced to harm, torture, and murder others. Functions can accidentally be triggered out of survivors without agency inside group, and when this happens, we kindly reread any relational agreements together as needed. We agree that when we come to group, we are committed to helping ourselves and others get free.
Ongoing access and reaccessing.
We agree to acknowledge reality that for many of us organized abuse is not only in the past but is active and ongoing.
Triggers.
We agree to do our best to help our own systems modulate our contact with traumatic and disturbing material. If we are here, it is likely that we are already triggered all of the time. The number of different things that can trigger functions and programming, by design, are pretty much impossible to avoid. It is necessary to be explicit and direct about our experiences because we have nowhere else to process any of this. It is always okay to leave group and come back or modulate your experience by any way you know how.
Active suicidality.
If someone states that they are actively suicidal, we acknowledge this in the check-in and offer support throughout the meeting.
Friendship and accidental or incidental hurting.
When people come from extreme abuse, perpetrators can deliberately place obstacles into any actions of friendship, love, or comradery because friendship is the opposite of mind control, isolation, and horror. When we accept that all of us are going to make accidents; we can step back and see that accidents are not intentions. Accidents can create messiness and confusion and are unavoidable. Many of us have only experienced friendship as “I serve you without needs, wants, or boundaries.” Together we can practice friendship as “I want to understand you and your conditions as much as you want to understand mine, and your wellbeing and my wellbeing are good friends.” That’s what friendship really is.
Opening share prompts
What’s at the top of your head and heart? How can we be helpful for you today? Is there anything lost, invisible, or imperceivable that may be helpful to make known amongst friends who have a chance at perceiving it?
Closing share prompts & Call for Next Tech Host
Who can volunteer to be a tech host for next week's meeting? The tech host screenshares the relational agreements at 5 minutes after the hour to start the meeting, calls for volunteers to read the agreements, and then reads the closing share-prompts 15 minutes before the end of the meeting. Anyone who is able to volunteer as tech host can post in the chat!
Check-out prompts: What’s at the top of your head and heart now? What was the effect like of being together today for you?